最後一夜

未來有成為台灣的瑪莎史都華潛力的室友在門口插的花

以身為台大學生待在台大的最後一個晚上，把衣服一件件摺好，想辦法塞進行李箱小桃裡。看著東西越來越少的房間，不由得覺得有點寂寞。在台大四年了，在女五這個小窩也蝸居了兩年——從一開始覺得房間超級大，到漸漸的把房間塞爆。

充滿愛戀的把堆積在床上的書移下床，明日，明日就要把這些書還回去或是裝箱、帶不走的書可能也要送人了。

大四的生活因為兒子Harrison，開始追How I met your mother （台譯追愛總動員）這部戲，最後一天的下午還因為Ted的台詞而感動的熱淚盈眶：

If you're looking for the word that means caring someone beyond rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it's love. And when you love someone you don't stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then, especially then...
You just, you don't give up.
Because if I could give up? If could just take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else... that wouldn't be love, that would be ... that would be something disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. 

大學四年裡，談了幾場不成功的戀愛，有苦澀的單戀、因為青澀不懂事所以惡狠狠的傷過了好幾個人的心，但是我還是相信緣份。愛情呢，像我高中的時候在作文裡寫的一句話：相愛，有時候也需要共時性的巧合。而我在台大的日子，我總是追趕跑跳碰著，想辦法把生活填得滿滿的。夜闌人靜的時候，會想起曾經單戀過、相愛過的那幾個人兒，但是我不是會回頭的那種人。我是郝思嘉，睡醒了，明天又是嶄新的一天。

害怕寂寞的我從來沒有試過自己去看午夜場的電影呢。在把Harrison的DVD從已經四歲的老Mac裡拿出來以後，我突然發現。有個朋友告訴過我，自己一個人去看電影，反而能夠笑得更自在，走出電影院的瞬間也能夠重新反思自己。

查了一直很想看的色色熊麻吉2的時刻表以後，馬上出門實踐『一個人看午夜場電影』這個小小的挑戰。

一如我迷糊不精明的個性，我居然把時刻表上的22:00看成21:00。蠢斃了。信步晃向光南，替我愛著疼著但也恨著的學弟買了卡片，把多出來的這一小時沈澱下來書寫自己對他的感受。在電影開演前，買了燒烤和一直很愛的茶番的紅茶。

熊麻吉一如往常的白爛，可能是因為快下檔了，電影院的人驚人的少，我自己獨享一整排的位子。讓好久沒有放鬆的自己笑了兩個小時，再慢慢地走回宿舍。

Ted實在是個白目的色胚，聽到我說我想看Ted2而嘲笑我是來自Disneyland的Yasu八成不了解Ted真實的個性

大學生活就這樣結束了呢。交了幾個摯友，和過去那個不懂打扮甚至有點任性的自己說再見，還有一疊疊的書山、跟幾疊因為我處女座天生強迫症而寫得超級整齊到像用鋼板刻出來的會計練習紙。夜半時分的公館商圈無故地惹人感傷。五天前和Yasu, JV走在一樣的路上的時候都沒這麼傷感呢。

再見了，台大。

台北是我除了我純樸到有點無知的家鄉彰化，停留的第二久的地方（目前為止啦）乾淨的捷運（還有偶爾出現在捷運站的變態）、走幾步路就有好吃的小吃、我心情低落時最常躲進去的誠品（還害我剁手剁了好幾次，買了好多書！）

並不是不會再回台北了，只是這個夜晚，沒有朋友的陪伴，只有自己，和這個我漸漸愛上的城市作別。

台北，我會想念你的。

戀愛的理由

在最後一個畢業活動，畢業舞會結束的晚上，換下彆扭的長禮服，頂著舞會的濃妝，和一個好友惠曾經那樣喜歡過，在日記上寫著他的名字的男孩到了隨處可見還穿著禮服、西裝的畢業生的麥當勞吃宵夜，絮絮叨叨的說起了愛情。
我和我的好友惠是兩個完全不一樣的人
儘管我念的是會計，我還是相信著命運和一見鍾情——雖然人生常常讓我失望，最基本的經濟學原理會告訴你為了分散風險，我們不該相信這種無法計算出可能性、期望值，總是不斷在浮動變化的感覺。
我是個不夠多情的人。我不會因為一個男孩曾經大清早起載我去看醫生所以感動、不會為了他替我寫了一首詩篇而心跳、更不會因為傻裡傻氣的男孩會在半夜三點回我訊息而愛上一個人。不喜歡就不喜歡，我可以狠心地對一個把心雙手奉上的人大聲說出我不喜歡你。
我的愛情很任性的取決於心跳的瞬間。
我從不諱言我喜歡有才氣的男人，往往墜入愛河的時候是看見一個人閃閃發光的做著他拿手的事。我不在意是否他對我夠好夠體貼，只要我喜歡他就夠了。

（對，我就是看了太多愛情小說才會這麼相信真愛啦）（中指）












但是好友惠不是。
她從小長得漂亮，眾星拱月的受歡迎。當我們還是留著削短到耳上的愚蠢短髮時，就有許多男孩為她爭鋒吃醋。
她也比我精明實際的多：她不輕易說不，不管喜不喜歡，她對每個人都還是能夠展露她的招牌笑容。不喜歡一個人也不會把話說死，往往讓人留有期望。
她能夠流利地說出：我們現在不能在一起，但我們還是朋友吧？
她會因為一個男孩願意在半夜三更接她電話而動容。

喜歡她比喜歡我容易許多：像是破神魔一樣，只要有耐心，一關關打下來你總有破關的一天。而我的戀愛遊戲則是像玩知識王一樣，如果你接到了你不懂的領域的題目，你可能一連串遇到你不會的題目，最後落得全盤皆輸。

但是哪種方式比較好呢？

我們兩個人都沒有答案。

即使惠堅持她有用力篩選（但是我從來不相信，她是個天生的傻妹，被賣了還會幫你數錢），在遇到一任暴力男友、一任管制她的一顰一笑的控制狂，甚至還有在宜蘭的旅館打給我要我去幫她的各種可怕故事以後，她還是單身，並且持續性地被蒼蠅纏身。

而我呢？我以為的真愛常常在相處以後發現不合適，正如一雙在下雪的紐約街頭走起來明明就又時尚又漂亮的的黑色平底鞋，在回台灣以後常常咬腳咬到足後跟都破皮流血了。遇人不淑或者是需要的磨合期太長把心動和愛戀都消磨殆盡了。

我不評價哪種方式比較好：
她的方式至少非誠勿擾，我的方式只待有緣人。
世間情愛千萬千，不屑一顧枉為人
可以只取一瓢飲
也可以只在意兩情若是長久時，又豈在朝朝暮暮的灑脫
但是
世間情愛千萬千
最糟糕的戀愛理由，莫過於寂寞。

How to beat TOEFL

 After finishing all the crazy standard tests for my graduate school application, I realized that how takes these tests can drive people insane. Having these tests were never an easy tea party, it ain't eating as piece of cake. But keep this faith in mind (and maybe print it on your T-shirt): What doesn't kill you simply makes you stronger.

Step 1. Why you take TOEFL

There are a lot of good reasons to take TOEFL: exchange, graduate school,  jobs...etc.
Most of the exchange programs only require 79/120 TOEFL scores, it differs from school to school.
Before rush into conclusion and set an up-to the ceiling high target score, be realistic and look for class profiles of the program you want to apply.

Okay, here's an example. You can see that their average TOEFL score is 106, then you can start to plan on what scores you need to get.
Don't push yourself too much and aim for too high.
Or otherwise you might break your heart, ouch.

Step 2. How much time left for your TOEFL test

If you only get 3 months to prepare your TOEFL test (in my case, sadly 10 days), you can jump to Step 4 now. If you get more than 6 months, that's more adequate. 

TOEFL tests your language skills, and language needs practice. And practice makes perfect. 

We all master Chinese by speaking Chinese literally every day, so do you need to master English. 

Remember, no matter how much time you have, practice English every day. The drop of rain makes a hole in the stone not by violence, but by falling :) 

Step 3. Lay your foundation 

For those who have much times left for TOEFL, you need to make yourself feel comfortable to use English 

I did not spend a lot of time on TOEFL, but thanks to my amazing English teacher, Ms. Huang, and her solid course in LSRR (Listening, Speaking, Reading, wRiting) (oh, and also my mom who kindly paid the bills), it laid a pretty solid foundation for me to begin with.
Here are some tips I get from my teacher, you may use it to practice English as well

Listening

Before you dive into all those lengthy English news or podcasts, start from some lighter ones. 

Pop Song!

Photo Resource: http://yanyansong.com/tag/song-pop

I strongly recommend that you start from old songs, instead of those fuzzy, glitzy electro-rap music. Don't get me wrong. I love LMFAO, and love dance with Party Rock Anthem but still, it's not an easy one for beginner.

Yup, too hard. 

Start from Taylor Swift's country songs, they are beautiful, sad, and easy to understand. You can easily relate to her. 

And Passenger (who makes his fame by Let her go, it always makes cry, and I am stupid enough to get an album even though I can listen to all his songs on Spotify.....)

And if you are a broadway fan like me, you can also try musical.

Musicals have story, duet (which is really close to conversations) and most of the time, they are really touching. 

Try les miserables (don't tell me you never heard of I dreamed a Dream. The link I put is Susan Boyle's version, her voice is powerful, and you can see how Susan Boyle must have tasted those bitter feelings for her appearance, and that's what gave her the ability to sing a song that is about unfulfilled dream. God she got me into tears every time watching this clip.) 

And Wicked, Defying Gravity, I am not that Girl, all touching and soothing.   

Grab a piece of blank paper and see how many words you can understand from their songs. It's fun and easy to do. In my old LSRR days back into high school, we listened 5 times to a song, and see what we got. 80% correct is good. And then you can move into the next level. 

News!

Well, I prefer BBC better but CNN is fine as well. I listen to BBC's radio for international news in 15 mins. And BBC also features some really good radio Drama. You don't have to stick to news but explore what actually stirs your interests. 

If you find CNN is a bit fast, and you do not have budget constraints, buy the CNN magazine. It has monthly pick news and audio CD, so that you can adjust the pace of the CD. 

I begin with life ABC back in elementary school and got my listening improve really quick. Listening to a magazine allows you to repeat. 

Speaking 

In TOEFL, you need to practice your speaking along with your listening; in reality, you also have to practice your speaking with listening especially you are in a conversation. 

But wait, people do not talk like CNN/BBC News reporter, or otherwise we sound like a snob. 

So here are something you can particularly use to practice your speaking skills. 

Drama/Episodes

I believe a lot of us do binge watching right now. We rewind those TV shows that grew up with us. An oldie like me fancy The Sex and The City, Friends. And you can learn slangs, idioms from these TV shows. They at certain degree reflected the time the character were in.
Gossip Girl was good, if you want to see new fashion.
2 Broke Girls is interesting and all bitchy and funny.
Big Bang Theory for you future engineer. You gotta know how book nerd can survive and get girls.
How I Met Your Mother I believe it has become the Friends of our generation. You can learn lousy pickup line such as "Have you met Ted' (BTW Neil Patrick Harris is HILARIOUS!)
If you do not know where to see these shows,
go to http://projectfree.tv/
I prefer Vodlocker and Movshare, they have better quality of the films
Learn how people talk and practice your listening as well

Shadow Reading

This is a method from my Shakespeare professor. You listen to a profession reading a play, and you listen to him/her and speak after him/her. By doing so, it trains your listening ability, and gives you chances to listen how a pro pronounce.
Generally in a TV-Show, the actors speak really fast, and you do not have enough time to listen carefully to their voice and pronounce. But in a play, they cannot do so, the actors also use their voice to convey their emotion.
You don't have to do shadow reading with Shakespeare. Audio books can have the same effect, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoAr_0r6kaY
The link is an audio book by the famous Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch, whose voice is said that can make someone pregnant and fall in love immediately. <- Of course a Joke

Other than that, if you have time, participate in an English Speaking club, such as Model United Nation, Toast Master, and English Debate Team. You can then learn how to organize your speech and gain the confidence you need to talk publicly.

Reading 

Stop reading the Taiwanese media. Knowing how bad KMT and DPP are cannot help you gain knowledge, not even a bit. Try from reading novels, such as Harry Potter. Don't laugh, it's well-written, funny, and touching. It's also not so hard to comprehend as well. 

If you are all for girly gossip, then try Meg Cabot, she's my favorite. Quirky, funny, and most important of all, understanding tone she addressed to what a woman faces as a teenage and as a woman. She's the one who wrote Princess Diaries. 

Photo Resource: http://indulgy.com/post/rl1lFtX0Q1/princess-diaries

Well, you might make a face like Mia did in the photo and say: "Shut up! Read an English novel! I don't even read Chinese novels!"
Then you may start from reading Thought Catalog, BuzzFeed
They are funny, short, information-orientated, but not so well-written. Get yourself comfortable reading English from short ones, and then move on to harder one like the Economist.

Writing

It's hard to practice English writing without a tutor. But you can still try to improve your writing skills by writing small pieces (such as journal), and increase your vocabularies from the readings you do. Try tomake sentence with a newly-learned word. From time to time you will have wonderful vocabulary. 

Although it only takes me a relatively short time to prepare for TOEFL, I have started to lay my solid foundation in English for more than 10 years. Practicing English without pressure is like eating a piece of pie. Once you enjoy eating pie, the day you start to prepare TOEFL would be like eating a piece of cake. 

Step 4. Start to Prepare TOEFL

Well, well, well, set up an account in TOEFL Official Website, and book your time of TOEFL test. 

Most of the people won't work unless they have the pressure running after them. 

Prepare Material? 

1. TPO (I would say that, it's a must. It's like the 模擬考 we took in high school) 

TPO

Start it from backward. The newer set of question is in later sequence of number, and it's closer to what you might face in a real test. 

2. ETS TOEFL Official Guide

TOEFL OG

An official material is what you are going to need. Don't mess up your mind with a lot of different set of books that said TOEFL vocab, TOEFL writing. As if you are going to finish it. 

Alright, alright, alright, even you are the A-list students who work your ass off, let's make it simple and stick to just one book, s'alright? Don't be so greedy and try to be a know-it-all by reading a lot of material. Try OG first. 

3. (Not necessary though) Barron's TOEFL 

Well, I got this one, and find it actually is harder than the real tests. It has detail study schedule and explanation, but remember if you don't have time to read another book, stick to OG and TPO. 

Then move on to your study plan. 

Everyone has weakness and strength. Try to do a TPO before your start to see what you are good at, and put more effort into your weakness. 

But remember, you need to practice listening and reading everyday. You can easily lose your listening skill without constant practice. 

Least but not last, 

be positive when you prepare, 

Never, ever give up without give it a try. 

Good Luck !

只想和你去旅行

我並不是一個喜歡趕行程的旅客。我討厭趕路、趕行程、趕流行....簡而言之，各種的時間壓力對我而言都會是負荷。我喜歡慢悠悠的旅行——搭著晃蕩的火車，看著窗外的風景，偷瞄一眼身旁的旅伴，或者是直接大大咧咧地和他/她聊起生活的大小瑣事，在話題耗盡，油盡燈枯之際，可以拿起耳機，一人一邊，分享我們正在聽的音樂。（或許應該說我就是懶，我不喜歡出門玩還要帶著旅遊書，精密的安排行程。旅行的意義就是要放鬆，如果還讓自己費盡心思那就沒辦法放鬆了，不是嗎？）

我也是一個只適合都市旅行的旅客，幾次挑戰夜市，不是在肚子的劇痛中度過，就是在馬桶窩一宿。不太有辦法喜歡上摩肩擦踵，人潮擁擠的讓我必須腳步匆匆。我是一個慵懶的旅人，更是一個一疲倦就只想賴在飯店房間柔軟的白床單上睡覺的懶人。

儘管這次的宜蘭行充滿各種奇怪的變數：肚子痛、吃不習慣夜市料理、睡醒以後兩個人都變成病貓、甚至最後還因為記錯時間沒有搭到火車回來，只好買無座票回台北，這些都應該是很悲慘的事情，甚至你扁著嘴巴抱怨說這是一次很糟糕的旅行——至少就玩的部分來說，因為我們兩個的身體狀況都太差了。

但是我並不這樣覺得。我喜歡你鏡頭下的我，嘴角帶著笑意，像是在抱怨著你的偷拍。我喜歡我們兩個人懶洋洋地賴在床上，（至少不是只有我賴床，我可以合理的Justify我的不積極趕路）我喜歡跟你絮絮叨叨地說我曾經在書上看過的歷史、關於美學、然後聽你條理清晰，即使在旅行還是想要炮火猛烈的戰人。我喜歡和你牽著手走過長長的街道，（明明是兩個路痴，只能仰賴google map，能夠活著回來我非常慶幸，錯過火車就錯過吧，至少我們還是回來了）還有聽你說五四三的笑話。再怎麼樣悲慘的遭遇，都因為旁邊的人是你，而增加了甜味。

我想和你去旅行。只想和你去旅行。下一次，我們再去拜訪一次羅東林場，這次要好好的繞完整個園區，然後我們不要再趕流行吃夜市了。我們可以去找一家乾淨簡單的台菜打發自己，然後晚上回飯店，躺在柔軟的白床鋪上，漫無目的地轉台聊天，然後再彼此相擁而眠。

我想和你去旅行，只想和你去旅行。

沒有別的原因，甚至目的地也沒那麼重要，

只因為你是你。

相愛與巧合

年紀越大，我們越不會輕易地去愛誰，或是輕易地把一切都拋棄那樣的去相愛。

        大三，稱不上什麼太老的年紀，不是敗犬，更不是輕熟女，頂多是一個半生不熟的老妹，但 是卻好久沒有心動的感覺了。並不是身邊缺乏浪漫，而是我們已經太鐵石心腸去感到旖旎以及羅曼蒂克了。
        這是一個將近兩個月前的邂逅。記得那天下著雨，我打著傘，掙扎著該隨便買個晚餐去社課還是找人陪我吃飯。我害怕寂寞，一個人的時候像是在孤單的大海裡漂浮，而當我站在舟山路口遲疑時，我像一個快要溺斃的人在海裡看見浮木一樣的看見了一個可能把我過度美化的小學妹，賽琳。賽琳總是把我想得很好，她和另一個我不熟識的臉孔擠在一把傘下，我直覺的問她要不要陪我吃飯，或是願不願意讓我加入他們。很驚訝的，沒有什麼尷尬的，我們三個人一起吃飯，儘管我和她的學長素昧平生。（就叫學長大S吧）
        大S學長是一個很健談的人，很快的我們就談到賽琳的遠距離戀情，還有我們都已然失敗的戀情，然後儘管我們都不說，我們可以感受到（好啦，至少我可以感受到）有那麼一些東西在空氣中發酵著。學妹開玩笑地說，說不定我們兩個就這樣在一起了，然後大S學長反唇相譏的說，『然後我們再聯手嗆爆你。』是有那麼一點什麼的，然後我們開始談起未來。
        我想申請出國念研究所，儘管居妹特沒考托福沒準備連想申請哪些學校都還在猶豫不決，但是我確定我是要出國的，這是一個我三年前，或者說是從小就堅信不疑的夢想。大S學長在準備證照考試，之後要先去當兵。然後聊到這裡，學長或是我跟賽琳說：我們不可能。我不可能在經歷過大二一整年等待一個在兵營裡的男人卻又失落了以後，再把大四拿去再等第二個人，如同他不想在經歷了一段撕心裂肺的遠距離以後，再開始一段在地球兩端的遠距離。我們笑了笑，在雨中說了聲再見，回家以後禮貌性的加了臉書，從此不再聯絡。

我們兩個都太老去相信愛情是可以努力而來，也太老去嘗試努力了。
     
        而這個午後，陽光下，討論完報告素著臉，跟朋友走出宿舍，高談闊論著我們準備居妹特的計劃，突然覺得好像有人在看我，我抬起頭，對上一張似曾相識的臉，是大S學長。我們都還在和別人說著話，然後眼神只交集了那一瞬，於是這個重逢的瞬間又這樣過去了。
        可是不知道為什麼，那個眼神交會的瞬間卻開始在我心裡生根，想著或許這一次，我們可以再試一次緣分。
        我剛按下了臉書訊息問他。
        相愛需要巧合，而當遇見了巧合我們需要勇氣。就這一次假裝我們自己還有勇氣吧。

付出與獲得

付出與獲得

        『在你之前我今年都沒有收到禮物，所以我只好自己送自己，不過我送了還自己很多禮物。』拿著我送他的聖誕節禮物和生日禮物，朋友G走出星巴克的門時這樣的說。

            G是我的一個朋友。認識他以來，他一直嚷嚷著，他是一個喜歡節日的人。聖誕節時他會念著，他多麼嚮往禮物，生日時他常常說，他希望大家能夠注意到他的生日。

            而我，聽到這樣的話都心軟了。幾乎從認識他開始，我送G的禮物從來沒有少過。舉凡聖誕禮物到生日禮物，只要我們見得上面，我就會替他準備上一份。從冬天的帽子到圍巾，還有他一直念著喜歡的筆記本。

            儘管G嘴上這麼說著重視生日和節日，但是他從來都沒有好好的替人送出一份禮物。G是一個金牛男，省吃儉用、勤儉持家，他只坐公車不坐捷運，只為了省下那4塊錢。當然，送人的禮物也是精打細算過的，否則可能有愧於他身為一個金牛座加會計系學生的驕傲。

            於是，在我和G認識以後的第二個生日，我收到了我看過最傻眼的禮物。

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一隻只適合送給小學女生的黃色玩偶，和一個很明顯的是從機場免稅店或Gift Shop買的 I love Australia無尾雄零錢袋，

            最可憐的是，這兩個東西還是從極大的Coach購物袋裡撈出來的。

            好吧，回憶至此，我知道為什麼他只能自己送自己禮物了。

            就算再怎麼喜歡，但是當你的真心換來的可能是幾次的敷衍，你的付出只是換來幾次的失望，你會心死。

            就算像白瑞德那樣的迷戀郝思嘉，那樣的為她癡迷，他說了『我對你的愛已經消磨殆盡了，被你那股瘋狂的固執勁兒消磨殆盡了。』看不見回報的付出，最後是會消磨殆盡的，除非你是絕對M傾向，或是你徹徹底底的可以為了這樣的一個人不要你的尊嚴。

            我大笑了一聲，是笑我自己的愚痴和心軟，每一次當我再次靠近他時，總會燃起希望，但是每次，還是換來失望，然後我再憤怒的離開這樣的惡性循環。我想我是不會再因為心疼他，而替他準備禮物了。他不懂得珍惜別人的心意，更不會回報別人的心意，你對他的好，他只會take it for granted。Give and take，他只會take，然後把收獲當成是賺到了，然後想辦法逃避，每一次需要付出的機會。我嘆了一口氣，步上歸程，暗自下定了決心不用對他過度善良，因為我的善良，只被他當成是拿到免費禮物，或是免費張老師的機會。

            於是他從今天開始，真的成為了自己送自己禮物的人。

無法兌現諾言的男人

有一種人，會嘴上念著好啊好啊我們見面吧，要了你的電話、在臉書上總是相談甚歡，看起來很有希望是一個可以愛的人，但是，每次每次，他總可以找到理由在最後一刻取消你們的約定：我好忙、我太累了，改天好嗎？或是，抱歉。等等等等的理由，最後你意興闌珊，然後你們漸行漸遠。
無法兌現諾言的男人有幾種特徵：
1.在臉書上熱愛討拍
2.回臉書訊息比回電話簡訊的速度快
3.自己的事情永遠比你的事情重要
是了，無法兌現諾言的男人並不僅僅是因為不夠喜歡你，而是因為他們更愛自己，自私自利。寧願替自己買一件名牌大衣，送給你的禮物卻總是來自路邊禮品店，然後一臉誠摯的對你說，心意總是比價格重要。
其實那是騙你的。
他從來不願意兌現諾言，因為他只是說說而已。
可以回臉書訊息卻不願意回電因為講電話本身太Intimacy，他根本性的有Intimacy Issue。
自己的事情比較重要因為只愛自己。

這種無法兌現諾言的男人越來越多了，正如我們有越來越多以讀不回的line和臉書訊息。
最悲傷的是不是他們只愛自己，而是他們在愛自己的同時，還很貪心的渴望別人的愛。
於是只有付出的人在愛裡面因為缺少灌溉而枯竭而死，然後這些人繼續在臉書上討拍，尋找下一次愛。
然後我們說，
這就是人生。